But anyone who has ventured to Texas during the summer will tell you that we have plenty of crickets. And they are of the "not-so-attractive" kind.
They are EVERYWHERE. It's normal to see them indoors and outdoors - but they grow especially prevalent when the weather is wet and soggy.
And the weather has been very wet and soggy this summer.
I'm not a huge fan, but since I've been living in Texas for ten years now, I've managed to downgrade my panic upon spying one from an "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD" to a "Gross."
So imagine my surprise when this somewhat harmless but nausea-inducing insect caused the demise of my marriage.
She: I hate it when Jack's inside and sniffs at the same place for a while. He always freaks me out like there's something there I don't know about.
He: He was doing that the other day around the TV stand.
She: That's where he was doing it today too.
(He and She begin to ponder the significance of those statements taken in tandem. Both venture into the TV room and place TV on mute. Slight chirping is heard in the background. He walks around the back of the TV....)
He: There's definitely something there...I can hear it....OH MY GOD, get me the flashlight first and the vacuum second. NOW!
(She hands him the flashlight and runs off the get the vacuum. Meanwhile, Jack hightails it out of the TV room and seeks refuge two rooms away. Under a desk. And behind a chair).
He: It's HUGE!
(She is now panicking - believing that we moved from a possible cricket-infiltration, to the more-dreaded cockroach).
He: Ok. Go ahead.
She: ????? (head tilted for effect).
He: I'm holding the light - you can't expect me to hold the light AND suck it up.
She: BUT I'M A GIRL!!
He: It's every one for themselves in situations like this.
She: Situations like this? It's a bug! What the hell are you talking about? You're willing to throw me to the wolves over a bug? I thought we were in this together! WHAT ABOUT OUR VOWS.....
He: Wait, it is a cricket - I don't like to kill them.
She: Your argument for life preservation is seriously undermined by your lack of testicles in this situation.
(At this point, the cricket displays one of its common characteristics - a characteristic unbeknownst to the flashlight-holder and the vacuum-holder: sensitivity to light. Thus, it leaps about four feet in the air towards the light source).
He and She: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Jack is now on the phone contacting the shelter he was adopted from and requesting a home without two pussies as owners).
She: You are seriously cutting into my "Bones" watching time...how about I empty the cannister, suck little Jiminy up into a clean canister, and then you can release him outside - he'll be fine.
He: I'm holding the light. I can't do both
She: #$%^&*(()&*&^%$$##@@$#$%%^&&*))^%#@!!!!!!
You will all be happy to know that I grew a set big enough for both of us, caught and released little Jiminy and even ran over his body with the corner of a paper towel to make sure the dust from the vacuum didn't hurt him.
He: Is he okay?
She:
