But anyone who has ventured to Texas during the summer will tell you that we have plenty of crickets. And they are of the "not-so-attractive" kind.
They are EVERYWHERE. It's normal to see them indoors and outdoors - but they grow especially prevalent when the weather is wet and soggy.
And the weather has been very wet and soggy this summer.
I'm not a huge fan, but since I've been living in Texas for ten years now, I've managed to downgrade my panic upon spying one from an "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD" to a "Gross."
So imagine my surprise when this somewhat harmless but nausea-inducing insect caused the demise of my marriage.
She: I hate it when Jack's inside and sniffs at the same place for a while. He always freaks me out like there's something there I don't know about.
He: He was doing that the other day around the TV stand.
She: That's where he was doing it today too.
(He and She begin to ponder the significance of those statements taken in tandem. Both venture into the TV room and place TV on mute. Slight chirping is heard in the background. He walks around the back of the TV....)
He: There's definitely something there...I can hear it....OH MY GOD, get me the flashlight first and the vacuum second. NOW!
(She hands him the flashlight and runs off the get the vacuum. Meanwhile, Jack hightails it out of the TV room and seeks refuge two rooms away. Under a desk. And behind a chair).
He: It's HUGE!
(She is now panicking - believing that we moved from a possible cricket-infiltration, to the more-dreaded cockroach).
He: Ok. Go ahead.
She: ????? (head tilted for effect).
He: I'm holding the light - you can't expect me to hold the light AND suck it up.
She: BUT I'M A GIRL!!
He: It's every one for themselves in situations like this.
She: Situations like this? It's a bug! What the hell are you talking about? You're willing to throw me to the wolves over a bug? I thought we were in this together! WHAT ABOUT OUR VOWS.....
He: Wait, it is a cricket - I don't like to kill them.
She: Your argument for life preservation is seriously undermined by your lack of testicles in this situation.
(At this point, the cricket displays one of its common characteristics - a characteristic unbeknownst to the flashlight-holder and the vacuum-holder: sensitivity to light. Thus, it leaps about four feet in the air towards the light source).
He and She: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Jack is now on the phone contacting the shelter he was adopted from and requesting a home without two pussies as owners).
She: You are seriously cutting into my "Bones" watching time...how about I empty the cannister, suck little Jiminy up into a clean canister, and then you can release him outside - he'll be fine.
He: I'm holding the light. I can't do both
She: #$%^&*(()&*&^%$$##@@$#$%%^&&*))^%#@!!!!!!
You will all be happy to know that I grew a set big enough for both of us, caught and released little Jiminy and even ran over his body with the corner of a paper towel to make sure the dust from the vacuum didn't hurt him.
He: Is he okay?
She:
I make my husband call ALL bugs in our house! I tell him each time "This is one of the reasons I married you: so I'd have someone to kill my bugs."
ReplyDeleteLet's face it, in a dual income marriage like ours, where I actually bring home more money, we divide most chores fairly equally. . . . since my husband is NOT handy, he's gotta pick up the slack somehow. ;-)
There is no way that I would've been able to do that. I have been scarred for life by my little brother who used to catch crickets and throw them down my shirt when I wasn't expecting it.
ReplyDelete*shudder*
Even the picture grosses me the hell out.
So killing bugs isn't your strong suit. How are you together in the grocery store?
ReplyDeleteMore important issue here: were you able to get back to watching Bones? And was Jack able to reach the shelter? (kidding!)
ReplyDeleteCrickets don't bother me as much as geckos. OMG OMG OMG. Geckos are GROSS. I think mainly because they are see through (I just gagged a little). And they end up in my house all the damn time. And then my dogs chase them and I have to play a disgusting game of "give momma the half dead lizard". Ewwwww, I just gagged again.
HYSTERICAL. I used to make my brother clear all the crickets from the homefront when we were kids. He's now getting his masters in bugs. I take all the credit, naturally.
ReplyDeleteOMG, this one made me cackle in a most un-Princesslike fashion. You're correct you know, I frequently have been forced to remind The Consort one of the primary reasons God invented men is for precisely this purpose.
ReplyDeleteThank you for ther giggles,
tp
Surprisingly, bugs don't bother me. I just can't handle rodents. Even the sight of a mouse will send me screaming. It's not a good thing when out at a horse barn all the time.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, those crickets are pretty big.
Ugh .. I HATE crickets ... my freshman year of college there was a massive infestation. I swear they might have even closed Dallas city hall down for a day to clean them out. When we would go from the parking lot to the dorm at night, you literally had to hold your breath and run. It was terrifying. It was literally terrifying. They were everywhere. Everywhere. EVERYWHERE!
ReplyDeleteFirst snakes now crickets? I predict frogs on your roof next. Seriously, I am NEVER going to your house!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA! My husband is a total wimp when it comes to crickets and roaches and (recently discovered) scorpions. I end up doing all the exterminating in our house.
ReplyDeleteBy the way -- dead crickets stink really, really, really bad. I grew up in Texas and every football season the sidewalks would LITERALLY be covered in crickets. I mean, like a two-lane sidewalk down to one-lane from all the crickets. Then they'd start to die... and the town would REEK. If you vacuum a few up, clean out the vacuum ASAP. They die in there, then the smell gets into the vacuum for MONTHS after. Horrible, horrible creatures.
My childhood memories are marred with images of (what seemed like) HUNDREDS of crickets trapped in that middle ground (glass box) between the outside of the mall and the actual store. Used to freak me the FFFF out as a kid.
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha!! I love this story! I'm a wuss about bugs too. When I find a bug, my new favorite trick is to go grab the cat, let her spy the bug she'll "take care of it." For real, she'll either play/stalk it to death, or pounce on it and eat it. Problem solved. I love that damn cat.
ReplyDelete