Lately it feels as if I'm on some sort of drug that makes you hyper-vigilant to ridiculousness. This altered state often arises when I'm watching TV - I sit in amazement of the state of America's TV entertainment. I mean, in all honesty, it's been a long strange trip from "Leave It To Beaver" to "Rock of Love."
Normally, my observations don't extend to commercials because most of the shows that I watch are on DVR. But something wonky is up with my remote lately, and I've caught a few commericals as a result of my inability to "drive" (Yes, Manbug calls it "drive." As in, "Let me drive - your picking shitting shows." He even does it when he's trying to help rectify issues on my comptuer. I believe it goes back to his IT days where he was much like Jimmy Fallon's beloved character - MOOOOOVE.)
If you don't mind, please let me share with you a few of my observations. I'm anxious to get your input beacuse there is a slight chance that I'm off-my-rocker and that these TV ads aren't nearly as offensive as I think they are.
I certainly don't consider myself a prude - by any stretch of the imagination. You'll always get a chuckle out of me for a "that's what she said" or fart jokes. But there are two commercials currently running on TV that are freaking me out. One, is TOTALLY inappropriate. Watch the video below around the 16 second mark.
Come on - "I'm not doing that again it burned" and "Put it in me Scott"? Am I the only one a bit horrified at the allusion that Scott is having kitchen sex with a hot oven?
Another commercial that freaks me out? Papa Chester. I laughed at the orange hand-prints that he advised Vanessa to leave on Cody's mom's jacket. And honestly, I even love the premise of the second commercial - especially because you know that girl is a bitch from the way she says "six handed monkey." But look at the end of the commerical - WHY is he kissing a pigeon and for the love of all that is holy, what the hell is the pigeon wearing? Did he just come to meet Papa Chester after his meeting for Lovers of World War II Paraphenalia?
Actually, I just Googled the helmet issue and was informed that it's a hood that is used when transporting birds of prey to keep them calm.
There's a reference that the Cheeto-lovers of this world will certainly understand.
Monday, March 30, 2009
I Was Going to Write an Informative Post About TV...
but then I learned that I'm a sloth (see below). I got this idea from a friend's blog, and to be honest, I'm a bit miffed that I'm apparently lazy and asexual. So I'm going to skip the meaningful post about my laziest habit, and head to the gym. Then I'm going to attack my husband when he wakes in the door from work.
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz
Try the Seven Deadly Sins quiz yourself. It's nice - like the quiz says, "If you are bound for hell, discover what sin will send you there."
| Greed: | Medium | |
| Gluttony: | Medium | |
| Wrath: | Low | |
| Sloth: | High | |
| Envy: | Medium | |
| Lust: | Very Low | |
| Pride: | Medium |
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz
Try the Seven Deadly Sins quiz yourself. It's nice - like the quiz says, "If you are bound for hell, discover what sin will send you there."
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Outakes from The City That Never Sleeps
So, not everything made it into my last post....to be honest, I was sick of uploading photos and was bored from reading my own words. So here are a few of the tidbits that didn't make the "cut."
1. The Singing Priests:
Well, we know that there is a huge influx of "celebrities" from the Emerald Isle. First, there was Riverdance. Then, Lord of the Dance. Sometime after, although I'm not sure how much since I don't care, there were Celtic Woman. Then, the N-Sync version called Celtic Thunder. Wasn't that enough? NO? Apparently, then the Catholic Church decided to get involved that there was The Priests. These guys have a major record deal and they tried to slink by the reviewing stand at the parade but my mom spotted them! And had them come up and sing "Hail Glorious Saint Patrick" for all to see. And hear. And of course, they wouldn't sing unless she joined them:
1. The Singing Priests:
Well, we know that there is a huge influx of "celebrities" from the Emerald Isle. First, there was Riverdance. Then, Lord of the Dance. Sometime after, although I'm not sure how much since I don't care, there were Celtic Woman. Then, the N-Sync version called Celtic Thunder. Wasn't that enough? NO? Apparently, then the Catholic Church decided to get involved that there was The Priests. These guys have a major record deal and they tried to slink by the reviewing stand at the parade but my mom spotted them! And had them come up and sing "Hail Glorious Saint Patrick" for all to see. And hear. And of course, they wouldn't sing unless she joined them:
That's my mom in the mink with the red hair. Funniest part of the day? Her sister called her to say that my mom's singing was on the local New York news and added, "You'll never get a singing contract."
2. Bedbugs:
Did any of you know that there is a bed bug epidemic in NYC? Did you know that bed bugs actually exist? Yes. And I watched the news story about them while sleeping in a hotel bed. Suffice it to say that it's a huge personal victory that I didn't end up running naked down Lexington Avenue in the wee hours of the morning.
3. Drunken Party-Animals:
I told you about the unfortunate incident at the concert on Monday night. I did NOT tell you that on Tuesday, my mom attracted three separate groups of drunken men, and one drunken elderly woman, while we were eating dinner. Since when did 50 years become an acceptable age gap people? LAY OFF! She's 72, widowed and NOT AVAILABLE. Honestly, I was ready to call it a night when another elderly woman walked up to our table while we were eating dinner and proceed to flip her PINK FEATHER BOA in my mom's face. When I asked her to leave, she said that I didn't need to worry about her until she asked for money.
4. My Husband:
He said that he wouldn't miss me - and to a certain extent, I believed him. We honestly needed a little absence to make our hearts grown fonder. But it all ended about 24 hours after I landed in NY and he called because he couldn't access our Pizza Hut account on-line to order a pizza. I love that man and he cannot live without me. Score!
5. Publicity:
We weren't at the steps of St. Patrick's for more than 10 minutes before my mom was interviewed by a certain celebrity on 1010 Wins. My cousin called me shortly after that to tell me that she had heard my mom on the radio during her morning commute. Of course, John asked me about Texas and I SAID SOMETHING TOTALLY STUPID, but thankfully, it wasn't included in my mom's interview. Apparently, I'm not worthy. :)
She also took part in an interview with Magee Hickey but my mom graciously explained that the mass was being said to honor the Sisters of Charity and perhaps they should be interviewed:
Don't be upset - my aunt was watching the parade that day and explained that my mom had been featured on the news no less than 12 SEPARATE TIMES. Then she asked where I was. Apparently I didn't show up in a single shot.
I'm sure Freud would have a field day with this whole thing, but I'm happy in giving her the spotlight. She's always loved it, and to be honest, I don't need it...my eye cream isn't working as well as it used to.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The People Ride in a Hole in the Ground
My trip to New York was interesting and exhausting to say the least. I definitely felt like a recent 40-year-old while running around the City...except for one major detail - I was chasing after a 72-year-old! My crazy mother! That woman is a New Yorker born and bred - and nothing infuses energy into her like being in Manhattan. I actually had to cry "Uncle" a few times and suggest that it might be a good idea to go to bed before the sun rose. We had a fun-filled week - and lots of wonderful memories were made. They won't necessarily replace the ones that my parents made together on their annual March-pilgrimage, but they will certainly stand on their own in the annals of our family history.
I landed late on Thursday night and spent Friday recuperating and doing some work. We had dinner at the restaurant that my parents ate at every Friday night for over thirty years. My mom hadn't been back there in a long time, but it was Friday night during Lent and pizza was on the menu.
Saturday morning demanded a hair appointment at one of my old NJ salons where my previously horrific haircut was remedied and honestly, I'm in love! I haven't had a bob that was this even and easy to style! In my defense, the stylist laughed and called over a few others to look at the horror that was my Tetris-like hair. That afternoon held a lunch date with a close friend from law school (and our respective moms). Then, my mom and I headed into NYC for an evening with The Celtic Women. In all honesty, I wasn't impressed. I felt like I was watching four women in prom gowns doing a horrible arm dance. I honestly can't quite explain it - but these women stood on one of the most elegant stages and sang songs written by others (Enya, Sting, Van Morrison) and waved their arms.
Irish Dancers!
Irish NYC Policemen!
And, of course, the most important part of any Irish parade - the bagpipes!
We stayed at the parade until after 4:00 p.m. (the television coverage lasted until 3:00 p.m. and the sun started waning around 2:00 p.m. - so this shows my mom's obsessiveness, er - our devotion.We ended up having dinner at the hotel that night - I was in my PJs and cuddled in bed by about 9:00 p.m. EXHAUSTED. We headed home to NJ on Wednesday, had dinner with my cousin her two sons (including her eight-month old Butterball. Seriously, this child has so much adorable baby fat that he looks like he's wearing rubber bands on his arms in four places!)
Thursday, I headed to Newark and proceeded to board the SXSW Charter Flight where every passenger had some sort of instrument at a carry-on. One passenger became particularly agitated when the flight attendants explained to him that no, there was no room for his TWO guitars in the overhead seeing as how he had boarded the plane LAST and everyone else had already stored their belongings. Sigh.
I actually sat next to two band members who were playing in SXSW on Friday night. They were so, so nice and I hope their concert went well. I spoke to them at length during the flight and thought I would show them some support by trying to see them play, but they explained to me that they don't play "Top 40" music. And I explained that I liked all kinds of music, blah, blah, blah...and they said again, how it was "not Top 40 music."
I sucked on my Bloody Mary and wondered what it was about me that screamed "mainstream." As I reached down to turn off my Ipod Touch, I saw this on the screen:
I landed late on Thursday night and spent Friday recuperating and doing some work. We had dinner at the restaurant that my parents ate at every Friday night for over thirty years. My mom hadn't been back there in a long time, but it was Friday night during Lent and pizza was on the menu.
Saturday morning demanded a hair appointment at one of my old NJ salons where my previously horrific haircut was remedied and honestly, I'm in love! I haven't had a bob that was this even and easy to style! In my defense, the stylist laughed and called over a few others to look at the horror that was my Tetris-like hair. That afternoon held a lunch date with a close friend from law school (and our respective moms). Then, my mom and I headed into NYC for an evening with The Celtic Women. In all honesty, I wasn't impressed. I felt like I was watching four women in prom gowns doing a horrible arm dance. I honestly can't quite explain it - but these women stood on one of the most elegant stages and sang songs written by others (Enya, Sting, Van Morrison) and waved their arms.
There was one member of the troupe of ran around the stage like a meth-crazy addict in search of a screw missing from the toaster that she recently disassembled at 3:00 am. (Seriously, she is super talented, but you HAVE to watch the video and tell me if I'm crazy). Of course, the crowd - loved them. I credit this to the aptly-timed fog machine and the Celtic-like patterns on the ceiling from purple lights. Also, alcohol. In fact, the terribly drunk 60-year-old behind us seemed to enjoying the show as he directed his wife to "Clap for me" because he was apparently too inebriated to put his own hands together. On the plus side?
Green lights in the champagne!
Sunday consisted of church, brunch, visit to the cemetery and an early bedtime. Monday, we headed into NYC much later than was first anticipated (so I was unable to meet one of my favorite bloggers as planned), but we checked into our Irish hotel and headed to a bar to have dinner and see an Irish band that my mother adores). This is where our trip started to get a bit weird. While I paid the check on the second floor, my mom headed to the third floor (seriously, can we talk about the amount of real estate that this family owns in Manhattan) to secure seats for the concert. As I ventured up the stairs, I noticed two somewhat-inebriated Irish boys talking it up with my mom AND BUYING HER DRINKS. Guys - have I mentioned that she's 72? Is that ever proper? Legal? Anyway, the band took the stage, the guys got drunker and one of them decided to walk across the stage and sit on my mom's lap during one of the songs. I was VERY uncomfortable at this point. I began to feel vulnerable and annoyed - my dad wasn't there to help (for obvious reasons), nor was my 6"2' husband (who makes me feel safe wherever I go). So, I did what any ex-NYer/current-Texan would do. No, I didn't pull out a concealed weapon. I pushed him off her lap onto the floor, told him to take off and signaled to security (who had already been watching this guy) that this was NOT okay. But honestly, the music was great and we did have a great time!
Tuesday was the high holy day and we left the hotel around 6:00 a.m. to head to Saint Patrick's Cathedral to attend mass.
We then headed up to the reviewing stand for the parade at 63rd and 5th and proceeded to have a wonderful time! I had never experienced the parade this way - sitting down, with accessible bathrooms nearby, and no drunken idiots crowding you. It was heaven! Also, since you are near the TV cameras, all of the bands play music and execute their routines before you. It was amazing! Some highlights:
Irish Kilts!!
Irish Dancers!
Irish NYC Policemen!
And, of course, the most important part of any Irish parade - the bagpipes!
I must say, however, that my Texas-heart swelled with pride when a high school band from Coppell, Texas strutted their stuff down Fifth Avenue. They were so amazing and so in-line with each other:
There was one moment during the parade when I started to cry - and please excuse the horrible quality of these pictures, but I feel compelled to share them despite the fact that my tears got on the lens and blocked most of the shots.
There were 343 New York City Firemen killed during the attacks of 9/11. Each year in the parade, the NYC Fire Department carries a flag in honor of each of their fallen brethren. For a moment, there is just a sea of American flags as far as the eye can see - unless of course your crying, in which case you can't see very far.
We stayed at the parade until after 4:00 p.m. (the television coverage lasted until 3:00 p.m. and the sun started waning around 2:00 p.m. - so this shows my mom's obsessiveness, er - our devotion.We ended up having dinner at the hotel that night - I was in my PJs and cuddled in bed by about 9:00 p.m. EXHAUSTED. We headed home to NJ on Wednesday, had dinner with my cousin her two sons (including her eight-month old Butterball. Seriously, this child has so much adorable baby fat that he looks like he's wearing rubber bands on his arms in four places!)Thursday, I headed to Newark and proceeded to board the SXSW Charter Flight where every passenger had some sort of instrument at a carry-on. One passenger became particularly agitated when the flight attendants explained to him that no, there was no room for his TWO guitars in the overhead seeing as how he had boarded the plane LAST and everyone else had already stored their belongings. Sigh.
I actually sat next to two band members who were playing in SXSW on Friday night. They were so, so nice and I hope their concert went well. I spoke to them at length during the flight and thought I would show them some support by trying to see them play, but they explained to me that they don't play "Top 40" music. And I explained that I liked all kinds of music, blah, blah, blah...and they said again, how it was "not Top 40 music."
I sucked on my Bloody Mary and wondered what it was about me that screamed "mainstream." As I reached down to turn off my Ipod Touch, I saw this on the screen:
Although, to give me some credit, I believe it was Pink singing at the time. I mean, she's cutting edge, right?
(snort)
Friday, March 20, 2009
I'm Back and In Love
I've returned safely to my new hometown and although I had a wonderful time in NYC, I'm glad Austin is my home. I came home to some very happy canines and a husband that missed me more than I thought possible. Right before I left, we were reaching a somewhat awkward stage in our sharing of a 950 square foot apartment where we both live and work - in fact, I even joked whether he would miss me at all. He joked back, "I will, but maybe not until Tuesday or so." Truth is, we love each other but we both needed to stretch our arms without knocking into someone else's space for a few days. It's good to be home and I'll give you the top ten reasons why:
1. I landed in Austin and spring had sprung - 80 degree perfect weather greeted me at the curb while I waited for Manbug to pick me up.
2. Manbug arrived with the LARGEST bouquet of flowers that I have ever seen, picked me off my feet in a hug and just said, "I missed you so much." He then proceeded to block other traffic while he opened the door to the car for me.
3. Murphy nearly fell over from wriggling so hard when he saw me at the door.
4. Riley abandoned her long standing policy of giving the cold shoulder for a few hours after I return from a trip and I could actually hear her thoughts of "screw it" while she sidled up for a hug.
5. My apartment was clean. SO clean. Suspiciously clean considering it housed a man and two dogs for a week....
6. Clean pajamas (because really, although I wear a different pair every night at home, it's just obnoxious to bring seven pairs when you travel for a week).
7. Mexican food! New Jersey and New York are famous for many things - but one of them is NOT Mexican food.
8. BLOGS! I miss my daily reads! Mom's dial-up connection almost caused me to take my own eye out with a spoon, but I'm at home with Road Runner wireless connection. (Of course, the down side is my FOUR FIGURE amount of unread posts in my Google Reader but I will catch up over the weekend).
9. House hunting - we are starting out hunt this weekend/early next week. We need/want to be out of this God-forsaken shoe box by May 15th...so we have to hit the ground running.
10. My husband - nothing makes me happier than waking up next to him, laughing at his goofiness and taking care of him for a few days (after that, the normal rules kick in and it's every man for himself).
I'll update y'all on my trip next week. Lots of fun in NYC with some funny stories and pictures to be shared!
1. I landed in Austin and spring had sprung - 80 degree perfect weather greeted me at the curb while I waited for Manbug to pick me up.
2. Manbug arrived with the LARGEST bouquet of flowers that I have ever seen, picked me off my feet in a hug and just said, "I missed you so much." He then proceeded to block other traffic while he opened the door to the car for me.
3. Murphy nearly fell over from wriggling so hard when he saw me at the door.
4. Riley abandoned her long standing policy of giving the cold shoulder for a few hours after I return from a trip and I could actually hear her thoughts of "screw it" while she sidled up for a hug.
5. My apartment was clean. SO clean. Suspiciously clean considering it housed a man and two dogs for a week....
6. Clean pajamas (because really, although I wear a different pair every night at home, it's just obnoxious to bring seven pairs when you travel for a week).
7. Mexican food! New Jersey and New York are famous for many things - but one of them is NOT Mexican food.
8. BLOGS! I miss my daily reads! Mom's dial-up connection almost caused me to take my own eye out with a spoon, but I'm at home with Road Runner wireless connection. (Of course, the down side is my FOUR FIGURE amount of unread posts in my Google Reader but I will catch up over the weekend).
9. House hunting - we are starting out hunt this weekend/early next week. We need/want to be out of this God-forsaken shoe box by May 15th...so we have to hit the ground running.
10. My husband - nothing makes me happier than waking up next to him, laughing at his goofiness and taking care of him for a few days (after that, the normal rules kick in and it's every man for himself).
I'll update y'all on my trip next week. Lots of fun in NYC with some funny stories and pictures to be shared!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The Real Houswives of NYC, But Really, An Ode To Bethenny
In keeping with my pending trip to NYC in a few hours, I had to share my thoughts on the recent return of The Real Housewives of New York. I love this show with the heat of a thousand suns. It is just dead-on entertainment to me! Maybe it's because I grew up in New York and I have witnessed many of the portrayed stereo-types first hand, both in Manhattan and in the Hamptons. Maybe it's just the sheer frivolity of it all. I can't quite place my finger on it, but those women conjure up a perfect storm for me and I am on the edge of my seat without moving for the full hour of each episode.
Ramona:
I truly think this woman is certifiable. She even has "crazy eyes" which keeps with Manbug's theory (if you can see the whites of some one's eyes all the way around the pupil, they are crazy. I hate to say it, the theory has proven correct thus far). And honestly, she's like a dog with a bone when it comes to certain topics - she just won't let them drop! I think she's great for entertainment value - did you see her dancing at the party in the Hamptons in the last episode? All in all, she doesn't do much for me...I can take her or leave her.
Kelly: Kelly is new this year, and I have to be honest, she's rubbed me the wrong way so far. Not that I disagreed with her ignoring Ramona prior to the competition at the Hamptons Classic - I'm not sure I'd want to be seen with that hot mess from the porn version of the Kentucky Derby either, but there is something about her. Also, she tried to act like a little girl, skipping in short skirts and flat, but yet she comes across as very mannish. Also, I'm wondering how they will handle the fact that the recently turned herself in to the New York City Police for beating up her boyfriend!
Alex (and of course, Simon): Honestly, I could devote a whole post to the hot mess of Alex and Simon. Although they truly seem to love each other, there is something utterly creepy about these two. And gosh, I won't even get into the emotional scars that my psyche is now sporting thanks to seeing Simon getting a spa treatment. I recently read that Alex lost her job at Victoria's Secret but that the family is doing okay while living on Simon's salary as general manager at the Hotel Chandler. Just how much to GMs of hotels make? But honestly, those two earned their keep while shopping in the Hamptons at Blue & Cream. I about snarfed out my cereal at Simon's seersucker short suit with green suede driving moccasins. I mean, come on - YOU'RE GAY. I will give credit where credit is due - Alex looked amazing in her bandage dress. And honestly, they seem to love their kids, but I think there may be some therapy issues in the future for those two boys.
Luann: I don't have a lot to say about her...I find her, rather boring and not "all that" (despite her thoughts of herself). Her insistence at being called "The Countess" just makes me laugh. She seems to have some genuinely good qualities, but she also seems to play both sides of factions when they arise. And the teenage girl inside me cringed at her daughter's going-away "party." I cannot believe that Luann thought it was acceptable to sit and lecture the girls about manners during the last social event her daughter was able to attend before leaving for school. Again, to focus on the positive, she was like a mother hen when her daughter was upset and her husband was not there, but most of the time, there's a sensitivity chip missing on this woman. And please, someone tell me that that boulder on her right hand is some sort of gumball machine ring...because I have never seen a real jewel that large! I literally paused my DVR to focus on it - gorgeous! I also had a lot of respect for her when she marched to the stage and admonished the crowd to hush during the cancer benefit...although, she then returned to her seat and kept right on chatting.
Let me finish up with my favorite two Housewives....
Jill: I love Jill. I think she is honest and loving and flawed...just like me! I love that she called Silex after the bit appeared in Page Six about Simon drinking too much (seriously, how f-ing funny was that). Her apology wasn't perfect, but she made an effort. She just wants to be loved - by her daughter and her mom and her friends. I see a bit of Jill in myself I think - always bending over to help others, sometimes at the expense of yourself and the constant need for affection. She doesn't seem too pretentious, and she's not afraid to make fun of herself. She also knows when to let things go and when to fight them out. I, for one, wouldn't have let Luann get away with missing her commitment to pack swag bags, but Jill didn't mention it and filed it away for later! And I have to believe that any woman that has such a wonderful relationship with her teen aged daughter has something going for her. All in all, I think she's a good person and she makes me laugh my ass off - and I love her relationship with my most favorite.....
Bethenny: This woman, is hands down, the funniest thing. I have such a girl crush on her! And the things out of her mouth -
"Why are you plugging it in? What era are you in?" - When discussing vibrators and Alex's suggestion that they be plugged in.
Do you remember the episode at the horse race? Where everyone was referring to one guy as "Black Joe"? Bethenny expressed her disgrace that that by saying, "Oh, you're Black Joe? I'm White Bethenny and that's Jewish Jill."
When referring to Alex's children hacking away at her boyfriend's $30 burger at The 21 Club, "So your children can translate Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star into Latin? I'd say it's more important to learn not stab at your burger repeatedly. I mean, what's going to be more useful in life."
When Jill showed up to a real estate appointment wearing a fringed suede outfit, "Cher called - she's missing her outfit" or when she wore a mu mu to the beach she referred to Jill as "Maude."
When referring to the Countess' comment about airbrushing, "You mine as well say you're ugly and you need some help."
I was heart-broken when I saw the season's preview and Jill seemed to be yelling at Bethenny to leave some party...I hope those two don't end up fighting because they are comic gold to me.
So who is your favorite Housewife?
I'm heading to the airport in a few hours to go visit my hometown. I'm definitely going to try to post while in NJ, but I think my mom still has dial-up (the HORROR), so we'll have to see how that goes. (Although I can probably lug her laptop to Starbuck's).
Ramona:
I truly think this woman is certifiable. She even has "crazy eyes" which keeps with Manbug's theory (if you can see the whites of some one's eyes all the way around the pupil, they are crazy. I hate to say it, the theory has proven correct thus far). And honestly, she's like a dog with a bone when it comes to certain topics - she just won't let them drop! I think she's great for entertainment value - did you see her dancing at the party in the Hamptons in the last episode? All in all, she doesn't do much for me...I can take her or leave her.
Kelly: Kelly is new this year, and I have to be honest, she's rubbed me the wrong way so far. Not that I disagreed with her ignoring Ramona prior to the competition at the Hamptons Classic - I'm not sure I'd want to be seen with that hot mess from the porn version of the Kentucky Derby either, but there is something about her. Also, she tried to act like a little girl, skipping in short skirts and flat, but yet she comes across as very mannish. Also, I'm wondering how they will handle the fact that the recently turned herself in to the New York City Police for beating up her boyfriend!
Alex (and of course, Simon): Honestly, I could devote a whole post to the hot mess of Alex and Simon. Although they truly seem to love each other, there is something utterly creepy about these two. And gosh, I won't even get into the emotional scars that my psyche is now sporting thanks to seeing Simon getting a spa treatment. I recently read that Alex lost her job at Victoria's Secret but that the family is doing okay while living on Simon's salary as general manager at the Hotel Chandler. Just how much to GMs of hotels make? But honestly, those two earned their keep while shopping in the Hamptons at Blue & Cream. I about snarfed out my cereal at Simon's seersucker short suit with green suede driving moccasins. I mean, come on - YOU'RE GAY. I will give credit where credit is due - Alex looked amazing in her bandage dress. And honestly, they seem to love their kids, but I think there may be some therapy issues in the future for those two boys.
Luann: I don't have a lot to say about her...I find her, rather boring and not "all that" (despite her thoughts of herself). Her insistence at being called "The Countess" just makes me laugh. She seems to have some genuinely good qualities, but she also seems to play both sides of factions when they arise. And the teenage girl inside me cringed at her daughter's going-away "party." I cannot believe that Luann thought it was acceptable to sit and lecture the girls about manners during the last social event her daughter was able to attend before leaving for school. Again, to focus on the positive, she was like a mother hen when her daughter was upset and her husband was not there, but most of the time, there's a sensitivity chip missing on this woman. And please, someone tell me that that boulder on her right hand is some sort of gumball machine ring...because I have never seen a real jewel that large! I literally paused my DVR to focus on it - gorgeous! I also had a lot of respect for her when she marched to the stage and admonished the crowd to hush during the cancer benefit...although, she then returned to her seat and kept right on chatting.
Let me finish up with my favorite two Housewives....
Jill: I love Jill. I think she is honest and loving and flawed...just like me! I love that she called Silex after the bit appeared in Page Six about Simon drinking too much (seriously, how f-ing funny was that). Her apology wasn't perfect, but she made an effort. She just wants to be loved - by her daughter and her mom and her friends. I see a bit of Jill in myself I think - always bending over to help others, sometimes at the expense of yourself and the constant need for affection. She doesn't seem too pretentious, and she's not afraid to make fun of herself. She also knows when to let things go and when to fight them out. I, for one, wouldn't have let Luann get away with missing her commitment to pack swag bags, but Jill didn't mention it and filed it away for later! And I have to believe that any woman that has such a wonderful relationship with her teen aged daughter has something going for her. All in all, I think she's a good person and she makes me laugh my ass off - and I love her relationship with my most favorite.....
Bethenny: This woman, is hands down, the funniest thing. I have such a girl crush on her! And the things out of her mouth -"Why are you plugging it in? What era are you in?" - When discussing vibrators and Alex's suggestion that they be plugged in.
Do you remember the episode at the horse race? Where everyone was referring to one guy as "Black Joe"? Bethenny expressed her disgrace that that by saying, "Oh, you're Black Joe? I'm White Bethenny and that's Jewish Jill."
When referring to Alex's children hacking away at her boyfriend's $30 burger at The 21 Club, "So your children can translate Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star into Latin? I'd say it's more important to learn not stab at your burger repeatedly. I mean, what's going to be more useful in life."
When Jill showed up to a real estate appointment wearing a fringed suede outfit, "Cher called - she's missing her outfit" or when she wore a mu mu to the beach she referred to Jill as "Maude."
When referring to the Countess' comment about airbrushing, "You mine as well say you're ugly and you need some help."
I was heart-broken when I saw the season's preview and Jill seemed to be yelling at Bethenny to leave some party...I hope those two don't end up fighting because they are comic gold to me.
So who is your favorite Housewife?
I'm heading to the airport in a few hours to go visit my hometown. I'm definitely going to try to post while in NJ, but I think my mom still has dial-up (the HORROR), so we'll have to see how that goes. (Although I can probably lug her laptop to Starbuck's).
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Mystique of Feminine Products
Let me first start out by saying that I am NOT pregnant.
But I'm hormonal and annoyed nonetheless. Because apparently, the ONLY "person" that has any working knowledge of my menstrual cycle decided to stop alerting me as to my pending fertility and periods. Now, I'm no expert on websites that serve as reminder and tracking devices, but I think it's safe to assume that if my user profile authorizes multiple email alerts to remind me of my fertility and my period the week before, three days before, two days before, the day before and the day of, you would think that the website would realize, after it didn't receive any input from me for two months, that perhaps it should touch base. Because clearly I'm not capable of monitoring my own ovaries.
Even my husband noticed the lack of fertility announcements (since apparently I usually share these emails with the household in a "T Minus 3 days until...." sort of way) and wondered if I had given it any thought. So I did...and I realized that I couldn't remember when my last period had taken place. I visited my website profile and it showed that my last recording was in December. NICE. Long story short, I went to Target to get a pregnancy test yesterday and was overcome by the need to pee - a sure sign of pregnancy, right? Probably not a symptom this early on, I thought...but clearly, my willingness to use a Target bathroom indicated something was amiss! Alas, I got my period then and there and before I had even laid down the cash for a pregnancy test.
Relieved, I ventured into Starbucks, purchased a nice venti non-fat latte, and headed to the tampon aisle. I've never been able to keep track of my period and it always come as a shock to me. It only usually lasts only a day or so and is always very light, so I always end up purchasing the necessary products at the last minute with quarters in the firm bathroom, or at the local 7-11 which was close to our old house. And a box lasts me a very, very long time. But yesterday I seemed to recall that I was running low so I wandered the aisle sipping my coffee and was immediately reminded of the first time I ventured to use one of these lovely items.
It was summer and we were in my most favorite of places, LBI. I had just shared lunch with my cousin overlooking the ocean, and I was wearing a new light pink bathing suit from Bergdorf's that I was in LOVE with. When I ran to the bathroom after lunch, I discovered that I had my period for only the second time in my life at that point. I panicked - my mom was a long way down the beach. I was a total water bug and had every intention of spending the afternoon in the surf. It was also pretty apparent that my delicate pink suit would not contain any type of feminine layering. So I ran to the nearest deli, grabbed whatever I could find and huddled in the bathroom stall with my cousin crouched over the directions.
I hadn't yet had a chance to ask my mom about using these things, but I figured, how hard could it be? All my friends raved about how easy they were and how you could hardly tell you were wearing one. Granted, I was a smart girl in many ways, but I didn't realize where the applicator needed to be in order for this contraption to work. I assumed that it stayed outside your body and basically "shot" the tampon up where it needed to be. (Hey, don't laugh. My cousin was with me and she agreed this seemed like the logical conclusion).
It felt horrible. And painful. And I could NOT for the life of me understand what everyone was raving about! But I was a woman now and I had to deal with such issues. So I flushed the toilet, washed my hands and headed down the beach with the tampon hanging partially out of my body (I believe that it probably looked like I had small penis under my bathing suit). I think my problem was apparent once I returned to my family on the beach. My mom scooped me up, tied a towel around my waist to cover my recently acquired manhood, brought be back to the bathroom (all while stifling her laughter) and as she had done so often in my life, showed me the proper method to do something.
And you know, I could hardly tell it was there.
But I'm hormonal and annoyed nonetheless. Because apparently, the ONLY "person" that has any working knowledge of my menstrual cycle decided to stop alerting me as to my pending fertility and periods. Now, I'm no expert on websites that serve as reminder and tracking devices, but I think it's safe to assume that if my user profile authorizes multiple email alerts to remind me of my fertility and my period the week before, three days before, two days before, the day before and the day of, you would think that the website would realize, after it didn't receive any input from me for two months, that perhaps it should touch base. Because clearly I'm not capable of monitoring my own ovaries.
Even my husband noticed the lack of fertility announcements (since apparently I usually share these emails with the household in a "T Minus 3 days until...." sort of way) and wondered if I had given it any thought. So I did...and I realized that I couldn't remember when my last period had taken place. I visited my website profile and it showed that my last recording was in December. NICE. Long story short, I went to Target to get a pregnancy test yesterday and was overcome by the need to pee - a sure sign of pregnancy, right? Probably not a symptom this early on, I thought...but clearly, my willingness to use a Target bathroom indicated something was amiss! Alas, I got my period then and there and before I had even laid down the cash for a pregnancy test.
Relieved, I ventured into Starbucks, purchased a nice venti non-fat latte, and headed to the tampon aisle. I've never been able to keep track of my period and it always come as a shock to me. It only usually lasts only a day or so and is always very light, so I always end up purchasing the necessary products at the last minute with quarters in the firm bathroom, or at the local 7-11 which was close to our old house. And a box lasts me a very, very long time. But yesterday I seemed to recall that I was running low so I wandered the aisle sipping my coffee and was immediately reminded of the first time I ventured to use one of these lovely items.
It was summer and we were in my most favorite of places, LBI. I had just shared lunch with my cousin overlooking the ocean, and I was wearing a new light pink bathing suit from Bergdorf's that I was in LOVE with. When I ran to the bathroom after lunch, I discovered that I had my period for only the second time in my life at that point. I panicked - my mom was a long way down the beach. I was a total water bug and had every intention of spending the afternoon in the surf. It was also pretty apparent that my delicate pink suit would not contain any type of feminine layering. So I ran to the nearest deli, grabbed whatever I could find and huddled in the bathroom stall with my cousin crouched over the directions.
I hadn't yet had a chance to ask my mom about using these things, but I figured, how hard could it be? All my friends raved about how easy they were and how you could hardly tell you were wearing one. Granted, I was a smart girl in many ways, but I didn't realize where the applicator needed to be in order for this contraption to work. I assumed that it stayed outside your body and basically "shot" the tampon up where it needed to be. (Hey, don't laugh. My cousin was with me and she agreed this seemed like the logical conclusion).
It felt horrible. And painful. And I could NOT for the life of me understand what everyone was raving about! But I was a woman now and I had to deal with such issues. So I flushed the toilet, washed my hands and headed down the beach with the tampon hanging partially out of my body (I believe that it probably looked like I had small penis under my bathing suit). I think my problem was apparent once I returned to my family on the beach. My mom scooped me up, tied a towel around my waist to cover my recently acquired manhood, brought be back to the bathroom (all while stifling her laughter) and as she had done so often in my life, showed me the proper method to do something.
And you know, I could hardly tell it was there.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Things That Are Pissing Me Off
I know there is an admirable movement going around the Internet where people are focusing on the good in their lives. Unfortunately, I'm not in that kind of mood today. I'm in the opposite mood. And although I'll be able to remedy a few things on this list, and thus, maybe have a more positive focus in a day or so, I like to get things off my chest...so here you go. Part 85,678 of What Is Pissing Me Off:
1. The Old Navy website: Yes, I know I've bitched about this before, but you know, I really wanted a certain pair of shoes last night (in two colors - nude and pink), but I'm not sure that it was worth the 83 minutes that it took to order them.
I think the site might be slow because it's linked up to Gap, Piperlime and BR - if so, I think the Internet can handling typing it those website, or better yet, clicking on bookmarks, enough so that the company can take the marketing risk to separate them. If that's not it, hire some IT people - I'm pretty sure you can afford it and the IT world could likely use the money. I know that two pairs of shoes for $39 is a deal, but I'm still not sure it's worth the frustration.
2. The Economy/Above the Law/Every Other Media Outlet: I know that everyone is being affected by the horrible economic in certain ways, but the media's coverage of the dire circumstances are sucking me in. It's like a tractor beam of doom. I seem to be receiving feed updates from Above the Law every five minutes detailing another round of layoffs at firms that friends are working at. I'm afraid to touch base with law school classmates out of fear. I know that spending six figures on higher education doesn't guarantee a job or a career, but the law school told us that it did!
3. My Husband's Email Alerts: Being the ex-IT geek that my husband is, he decided to set up different email alerts depending upon the sender. So, certain important clients get special alerts that tell him to read that email now rather than later. He has this set-up on his Blackberry and his home computer. But one alert really annoys me. It's from one of his favorite movies - the alert is actually a sound bite of Mr. Pacino's voice and the grammar drives me nuts:
Okay - want to know something funny? I thought, for the past 8 months, that he was saying, "All I have in this world is my THOUGHTS and my words...." and I was writing to complain about the grammar - because I hated hearing that error 150 times a day. But apparently he's not saying "thoughts," he's saying "balls." How fucking stupid is that? Really, all you have IS your BALLS and your WORD. That's weird, because I thought those millions gave you a few other things too. I never saw the movie and now I never will.
4. My Upcoming Vacation: I'm heading to NYC for a week to visit my mom and take part in the Irish high holiday. We have many, many plans that relate to the Emerald Isle. On Saturday night, we are heading to this lovely theater to see some Irish women sing. Then, for two nights we are staying in an Irish hotel so that we can attend mass and see the parade from the Official Reviewing Stand at 64th Street and 5th Avenue (hey, at least we get to sit down). It will be the first time that my mom has celebrated her favorite time of year in about 3 years (since before my dad got sick) and I know she's looking forward to it. The downside, even though the 10 day forecast isn't encompassing March 17th yet, I'm seeing a high of 40 degrees on March 15th. 40! Yes, I know that some of you put up with this every year for a few months, but I don't and I'm a delicate flower. And I don't want to stand outside for 15 hours in 30 degree weather! And I know I'll end up paying a fee for packing too many sweaters!
5. Murphy's Breath: God knows we love this dog,
But he has to get his teeth cleaned. The situation has reached Def Con One (i.e. we don't let him breathe in our presence), but I don't want him to go in for surgery right before I go away for a week, so it has to wait until I get back (Yes, my husband can take care of him but he needs his mama!). The good news? I only have to smell him until I leave.
6. Candles: I'm out of them. For relevance, see No. 5
7. Friends: Just found out that a friend who was receiving experimental treatment for an aggressive cancer is not responding as hoped. This, in a nutshell, sucks. We met this couple on our honeymoon and were immediately bonded to them. He's only 27 and they have been fighting this as a couple since right after their honeymoon two years ago. Please keep them in your prayers. I hate cancer.
That's all for today. Please make me feel like I'm not a raging lunatic and let me know what is pissing you off!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Man's Best Entertainment
It has been said that a laugh costs too much when bought at the expense of virtue. The laughs that have accompanied a $131 vet bill?
Totally worth it.
Apparently, my older dog, Riley, has an appetite for her tail. Last year, while at work conference, I received panicked text messages from my husband. He had returned home from a business luncheon to blood spatter all over our walls (apparently, when you wag a bloody tail, a CSI-like scene occurs). Turns out, Riley had bitten her tail down to the bone. With the intervention of a vet, and my husband's constant changing of bandages and baby-sitting, we were able to save her tail, albeit with a HUGE lump of scar tissue. She seemed ignorant of this monstrous entity until the other day. We woke up to pools of blood all over the apartment. The carpeted apartment I might add. We bandaged it up, five times between early Sunday morning and Monday afternoon. What we didn't realize when we adopted Riley, was that she had a second career as a contortionist, in case her first choice as an adorable puppy failed. I brought her to the vet on Monday and was encouraged to purchase the satellite collar so that we can, at the very least, get some sleep without worrying about her Houdini-like tendencies. And hilarity has ensued. A list of things that had made me laugh in the last 24 hours:
Totally worth it.
Apparently, my older dog, Riley, has an appetite for her tail. Last year, while at work conference, I received panicked text messages from my husband. He had returned home from a business luncheon to blood spatter all over our walls (apparently, when you wag a bloody tail, a CSI-like scene occurs). Turns out, Riley had bitten her tail down to the bone. With the intervention of a vet, and my husband's constant changing of bandages and baby-sitting, we were able to save her tail, albeit with a HUGE lump of scar tissue. She seemed ignorant of this monstrous entity until the other day. We woke up to pools of blood all over the apartment. The carpeted apartment I might add. We bandaged it up, five times between early Sunday morning and Monday afternoon. What we didn't realize when we adopted Riley, was that she had a second career as a contortionist, in case her first choice as an adorable puppy failed. I brought her to the vet on Monday and was encouraged to purchase the satellite collar so that we can, at the very least, get some sleep without worrying about her Houdini-like tendencies. And hilarity has ensued. A list of things that had made me laugh in the last 24 hours:
- When the collar was first placed around her neck, Riley plowed into the examining table, the vet, the door, the wall and an innocent spectator in the waiting room - all in under 25 seconds;
- On the trip home, she got the collar stuck on a hook in the back of my truck and stayed that way until I was able to pull over and free her;
- Once home, she got the collar stuck on a level on Manbug's office chair and couldn't move until we stopped laughing long enough to untangle her;
- She became completely stuck in a doorway when she tried to turn around to exit the office (I actually wet my pants a little at this point);
- You can hear her coming from, at least, a mile away;
- When she tried to sniff the ground outside, she ended up offing some unsuspecting flowers;
- She became stuck on the license plate of a neighbor's car as she walked along the grass;
We figured that we had laughed enough at her expense, so we decided to try it out on Murphy (he's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed if you get my drift - name that movie!). After clawing at the smooth surface for about a minute, he almost knocked over a rather large bar stool. I was feeling particularly evil at this point, so I placed a treat in the cone - he could see it but not reach it.
And then I had to go and change my underwear.
And yes, I know that if God is in fact a Dog, we are going to hell (like that fact wasn't cemented by our purchase of a remote control car years ago for the sole purpose of canine play!)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The One Where My Attempts To Be More Green and More Financially Responsible Fail Miserably
As you all know, I have been making sincere attempts at revamping my budgetary and ecological awareness. Instead of throwing away money on useless things without regard to cost, I have made a 180 degree turnaround. I've also become more accountable to Mother Earth - including neurotic cleaning-up after my canines, strict recycling of household items, and thrifty purchasing of environmentally sound household products (see how I combined the two in that last thing? I'm good).
When I first started this journey of personal financial and carbon footprint awareness, it was not without some bumps and bruises. I even went so far as to muse that if I reflected on the latter half of 2008, that I would see impressive progress. In fact, my husband recently joked that we have completely swapped roles - he is now hemorrhaging cash (speeding tickets, subsequent defensive driving course, extensive client expenses for which we must front the money and eventually and hopefully, be reimbursed, and an updated work wardrobe). While, I, on the other hand, rest peacefully upon my high horse of financial responsibility. (Although, God help me I still do not understand the cash back process at CVS).
Well, as one person-that-came-up-on-a-Google-search-of-laurels said, "Resting on your laurels is as dangerous as resting when you are walking in the snow. You doze off and die in your sleep."
This past weekend's experiences were especially frustrating and humbling:
Scene: An unnamed salon in south Austin that provides discount services.
The catch? Your stylists consist of individuals that have a cosmetology license, but have not yet finished the salon's extensive training program.
The cost? Haircuts run between $10 and $30.
The issue? I was so proud of myself when I found this place. My husband had always teased me about the difference between our hair costs. Yes, he could spend more than $20 on his cuts, but they work for him. So when I found that I could have the ability to tie, or better yet, beat his cost - I jumped at the chance!
The result? Not good. At all. First, my hair was cut while combed back in an Elvis-like pompadour (as I questioned the stylist, I was told this was called "transition cutting." You know what? If Google can't find it, IT DOESN'T EXIST!). Second, I ask numerous times if the cut was uneven in the front and was assured that no, it wasn't. SPOILER ALERT: IT WAS. I remedied this by hacking off the offending tendrils with my kitchen shears while I straddled the toilet yesterday. Third, my side bangs that I requested...I must have slurred my words and said "bangs that look like a failed attempt at Tetris." My husband felt so bad for me when he saw the clear disappointment on my face (and the jagged mess on my head), that he encouraged me to go to the best salon in town and have it fixed. But I'm nothing if not stubborn.
Scene: Randall's Market.
The catch? I never buy deli meat at the counter any more. It's too expensive and we always end up throwing it out before it's used up.
The cost? A special was being run for turkey breast at $4.99 a pound!
The issue? The jovial clerk gave me 1.25 pounds of turkey breast instead of the .75 pounds requested. She felt so bad, so instead of making her waste it, I took it.
The result? Not only did she give me too much turkey, but she charged me the regular price of $7.99 rather than $4.99!! So, instead of paying $3.75 for my 3/4 pound of sale turkey, I paid $9.99. Yes, I should have caught the mistake but my sight was blocked by MY JOAN JETT HAIR.
Scene: My patio surrounded by lovely houseplants included the one hanging plant that, in an effort to be more environmentally conscious, we have allowed Derrick to inhabit.
The catch? As I was viewing a particularly beautiful sunset, I was accosted by the damn bird, dive bombing my head as I shrieked various obscenities at the top of my lungs.
The cost? My dignity, a bit of hair and my neighbors' innocence.
The issue? Apparently, when you allow a wild animal to live somewhere, they become very territorial.
The result? Derrick better watch out because as far as I'm concerned, it's house wren hunting season and he's wearing a t-shirt that says "Shoot Me."
When I first started this journey of personal financial and carbon footprint awareness, it was not without some bumps and bruises. I even went so far as to muse that if I reflected on the latter half of 2008, that I would see impressive progress. In fact, my husband recently joked that we have completely swapped roles - he is now hemorrhaging cash (speeding tickets, subsequent defensive driving course, extensive client expenses for which we must front the money and eventually and hopefully, be reimbursed, and an updated work wardrobe). While, I, on the other hand, rest peacefully upon my high horse of financial responsibility. (Although, God help me I still do not understand the cash back process at CVS).
Well, as one person-that-came-up-on-a-Google-search-of-laurels said, "Resting on your laurels is as dangerous as resting when you are walking in the snow. You doze off and die in your sleep."
This past weekend's experiences were especially frustrating and humbling:
Scene: An unnamed salon in south Austin that provides discount services.
The catch? Your stylists consist of individuals that have a cosmetology license, but have not yet finished the salon's extensive training program.
The cost? Haircuts run between $10 and $30.
The issue? I was so proud of myself when I found this place. My husband had always teased me about the difference between our hair costs. Yes, he could spend more than $20 on his cuts, but they work for him. So when I found that I could have the ability to tie, or better yet, beat his cost - I jumped at the chance!
The result? Not good. At all. First, my hair was cut while combed back in an Elvis-like pompadour (as I questioned the stylist, I was told this was called "transition cutting." You know what? If Google can't find it, IT DOESN'T EXIST!). Second, I ask numerous times if the cut was uneven in the front and was assured that no, it wasn't. SPOILER ALERT: IT WAS. I remedied this by hacking off the offending tendrils with my kitchen shears while I straddled the toilet yesterday. Third, my side bangs that I requested...I must have slurred my words and said "bangs that look like a failed attempt at Tetris." My husband felt so bad for me when he saw the clear disappointment on my face (and the jagged mess on my head), that he encouraged me to go to the best salon in town and have it fixed. But I'm nothing if not stubborn.
Scene: Randall's Market.
The catch? I never buy deli meat at the counter any more. It's too expensive and we always end up throwing it out before it's used up.
The cost? A special was being run for turkey breast at $4.99 a pound!
The issue? The jovial clerk gave me 1.25 pounds of turkey breast instead of the .75 pounds requested. She felt so bad, so instead of making her waste it, I took it.
The result? Not only did she give me too much turkey, but she charged me the regular price of $7.99 rather than $4.99!! So, instead of paying $3.75 for my 3/4 pound of sale turkey, I paid $9.99. Yes, I should have caught the mistake but my sight was blocked by MY JOAN JETT HAIR.
Scene: My patio surrounded by lovely houseplants included the one hanging plant that, in an effort to be more environmentally conscious, we have allowed Derrick to inhabit.
The catch? As I was viewing a particularly beautiful sunset, I was accosted by the damn bird, dive bombing my head as I shrieked various obscenities at the top of my lungs.
The cost? My dignity, a bit of hair and my neighbors' innocence.
The issue? Apparently, when you allow a wild animal to live somewhere, they become very territorial.
The result? Derrick better watch out because as far as I'm concerned, it's house wren hunting season and he's wearing a t-shirt that says "Shoot Me."
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