First of all, my youngest dog, Murphy, has an affinity for male dogs. And Murphy is male.
I never realized that a dog could be homosexual until Legally Blonde 2 opened my eyes - but I'm the mother of a gay dog and I'm damn proud. The problem isn't my dogs sexually affinity - the problem is two-fold: (1) his complete lack of knowledge of his and other dogs' anatomies and (2)well, to be frank, his aim.
Essentially, after taking a HUGE poop in the middle of the dog park, Murphy proceeded to run around and hump every male dog within a five mile radius. But he didn't hump them from behind, he humped their sides. Here, let me try to provide a visual for you:
(Notice the smile on Murphy's face and the not-so-happy face on his latest victim). Then began the three inappropriate comments that I received as a result of these actions.
INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT NUMERO UNO:
After scolding Murphy (with a smile on my face I might add) for his subjection of other canines, a weird crunch-nutty-guy said to me, "You dog is male and he's humping other male dogs." I replied, "Yes, we've always known his affinity for the same sex but it doesn't matter to us." CNG responded, "Yea, well it's not like dogs have a sense of morality." I was a tad shocked - I mean, was this guy trying to push an anti-homosexual agenda on me through my dog? So I responded, "I don't think it has to do with morality at all. I think it has to do with aim. We should all love everyone as equally as my dog does."
INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT NUMBER TWO:
My mother called my cell phone as I was heading home from our 27 minute romp in the dog park. I explained to her where I was and why I had left so quickly. She calmly said, "Maybe Murphy learned that behavior from watching Manbug." (Well, she didn't say "Manbug" - she said my husband's name but you get the idea). I asked whether she was implying that my husband had homosexual tendencies and she responded, "No, I mean maybe watched you two together." I'm sorry - I know that married couples have sex, but I don't want to discuss those details WITH MY MOTHER. Good Lord, I was hesitant to tell my mom about my miscarriage when it happened because then I knew that she would know that we had sex. And I demanded that she not tell my dad. Yes, I'm easily embarrassed.
INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT NUMBER THREE:
In keeping with the theme of parents and sex lives, this conversation with my husband took place while my mother-in-law was visiting:
MIL: Did I eve tell you about the great Halloween costume that your dad and I wore?
(I start to see a look of utter shock come over my husband's face, so I'm thinking, yes, he has heard this before and he's not happy about hearing it again. I busy myself with preparing some snacks).
MIL: I dressed as a brick and your dad dressed as a brick layer.
(I think, "OH MY GOD" as I gulp down some chardonnay.)
Manbug: Yes, I hadn't quite gotten over the visual from the last time you told me that, but thanks for refreshing it.
P.S. Guess what comes up when you do a Google search for humping dogs? I think I see my next stocking stuffer for Manbug.
your parents have got to know you have sex. it's all legal now!
ReplyDelete*snort* OMG the brick and brick layer thing is AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteMy e-mails must KILL YOU.
Maybe your dog learned it from watching your husband? Hilarious.
ReplyDeletethe brick/brick layer costumes are priceless, but dear god I never want to know if my parents did that...
ReplyDeleteI think I must be a little dim witted, but I don't get the brick/brick layer costume. I guess I could google it. The "watching your husband" comment, though, nearly made me choke. My mother has always given me a little TMI, but if my in-laws started, I would SURELY DIE.
ReplyDelete